Wednesday, November 6, 2013

I Never Got to Meet My Surrogate

... but it will be ok.

It will be ok because when I arrived in India 10 days after my children were born and asked to meet my surrogate, I was told she was still in recovery.

It will be ok because when I asked again during the following week, I was told she had gone back to her village.

In other words, I asked not once but twice to meet my surrogate. And as a parent, that was all I could do.

Yes, I was disappointed and angry and, truthfully, kind of jealous of those couples that had been given the opportunity... and maybe the Princess will be too when I tell her.

But I knew to choose my battles, and given our unique situation, the war plan was already full.

And perhaps there is a bigger lesson here to be shared with the Princess. I am her mother. But I am human. And no matter how hard I try and wish and dream and hope for certain things for her, there will always be those that are beyond my control. 

Meeting her surrogate was one of them. 

And while I had to accept that I would not  have an ongoing relationship with her surrogate, I worked hard to foster other friendships that would allow the Princess to stay connected to India... which, fortunately, through Skype and and snail mail photos and the generosity of our online community, I have been able to maintain, in a similar, but different, sort of way.

To all those polishing their inner lights this week, Happy Diwali from our family to yours! Below, a few pics of the Princess celebrating:

Sometimes I smile so hard, my face gets all scrunched up and I give a little snort. 

Hey mom, this is what I would look like eating tikka masala in England. (She still thinks she's British.)

The last of the Indian market outfits. Thinking it's time I have a baby clothes quilt made for the Princess. It sure would be sparkly!


  1. Don´t be jeslous for the last post od SCI...
    For Spanish people is mandatory go to Spanish Embassy with surrogate to get baby´s passport, this is the only reason if not you can be sure nobody meet to our surrogate, because SCI cheats to everybody with one things or others

  2. This was beautiful to read. I love the way you shared something that I think a lot of us struggle with - the reality that we truly don't have as much control as we would like to have when it comes to our children's path in life.

  3. B, a good conversation for all of us to think about

  4. I'm sorry you didn't get to meet Scarlett and Hayden's surrogate, Bernadette. It seems to be a mixed bag on who does and doesn't meet their children's surrogate and I know in the circumstances that Hayden and Scarlett were brought it to the world it would have been a very difficult situation for all. We were lucky to meet our surrogate and I was a little naughty and I gave her all my contact details without anyone knowing but she has never contacted us since. I do feel a bit sad about that but I think it's more because of my own curiosity. Just goes to show each surrogate feels differently about meeting Ip's. I do hope you can one day get to meet the wonderful woman who gave birth to your babies so you can thank her in person and you are able to share this with Scarlett. I think it's hard for us to understand as we come form totally different cultures. Take care and Scarlett is beautiful x

  5. The Princess is simply beautiful outside and I am certain with her parents as models her insides will also always be strong, determined, ethical and purely wonderful.
    As always, thank you for sharing her with the world. She is such a gift of joy and hope. Old Ca Grandmother

  6. You tried, and continue to try, and that is what makes you a great mom. You're right that you don't have control over so many things. All that you can do is the best that you can, and it is clear that is exactly what you are doing. The Princess is gorgeous, and the quilt will be also.

  7. It is a whole different culture and I'll bet some of the Indian surrogates feel the need to separate themselves emotionally, from the process.The dear lady might not have wanted you to see how difficult it was for her, in which case you wouldn't have wanted to make it worse. Still, I'll wager that you and those sweet babies are never far from her heart and mind.

  8. Your little princess is so cute and looking very happy!!
    I am thinking about the four of you!

  9. I've been hoping for an update from you soon. Think of you often here in Delhi. So happy to hear the Princess lived happily ever after.

  10. Sending love from Maine! In my prayers.<3

  11. She is such a gorgeous little girl and she looks like she has a fun personality.

    I never met my daughter's birthmom and now that she's an adult, she has no desire to meet her. I do, however, but I feel I must respect my daughter's wishes. I just want to find a better way to thank her than I did on that miraculous day 41 years ago.

  12. I've been really struggling with the fact that we never met our surrogate either - despite asking numerous times.....although I can't change the fact we never had that meeting, I've put up her photos in Anais's room and we speak of her often. I just hope our beautiful surrogate can find it in her heart to forgive us and somehow be assured that we think of her everyday and made every effort to make contact with her.
    Thankfully we've maintained life long friendships with those who we met through this community and cherish every single contact we have with them. Life can be bitter sweet sometimes.