Friday, January 11, 2013

Let Me Un-inspire You

Yesterday was a difficult day. Yesterday I had 2 cupcakes. And I paid for coffee.  The good kind. I wore my fuzzy gray hospital sweater. The same one I wore the day before. And I didn't make a single phone call advocating to get MC the care that he needs. After that, I didn't make a single subsequent phone call advocating to get payment for the care that he needs that I couldn't get in the first place. Not only did I not accomplish anything on my To Do list, I didn't even make one. I emailed back a cake company that had generously offered to make MC a birthday cake, and then cried because my child's eating habits consist of continuous formula flowing through a tube in his stomach. And I considered taking a nap. My ultimate don't-go-there activity. At night, I went home to sleep in my own bed. And when I called to check on MC and heard that he was having difficulty breathing, rather than go back and be with him, I told his nurse to call me if it got worse.

Yesterday, I let myself be the totally and completely un-inspiring, angry, frustrated, so very very sad Mom who had reached the end of her rope... and instead of tying a knot, I let go.

Worst of all, I couldn't get over how inappropriate the timing of this episode seemed what with MC doing so well. I mean really, compared to  the last 9 months, he is a completely different child. Sleeping and pooping and best of all breathing! My child is breathing! Why the heck wasn't I out jumping on couches a la Tom Cruise?

I realized today that perhaps it's because I am celebrating the fact that my child is sleeping and pooping and breathing. Celebrating the fact that my child is finally beginning to perform the most basic of life functions... a mere two months away from his very first birthday. Celebrating with incredible enthusiasm caused by the uncertainty of how many other milestones I'll have to celebrate.

Celebrating, as the Princess, his built in BFF, his partner in crime, his twin, "cruises" (according to Babycenter this is the correct term for her current state of mobility) around him, screaming and laughing and anxiously awaiting for him to join her.





Celebrating and grieving at the same exact time.







21 comments:

  1. I am impressed at how long it took for you to have one of this very well deserved days! Good for you for letting the nurse take care of MC in a non emergency situation... Take more naps and enjoy more cupcakes! You've earned them and need them! xo

    ReplyDelete
  2. Many hugs to you. Being human and needing a day to decompress and regroup is not "un-inspiring." It is quite the opposite! When you have a medically fragile child, the crash comes when things are going well because you "can" do it then. Then you pick yourself up and get back to doing what needs done.

    All the best.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ah, yes, I remember that contrast between the two kids being almost too much to bear....and then feeling guilty because of it. People tell you you're so brave, so wonderful and you think, "It's not like I have a choice." It's okay, it's really okay if it gets to you sometimes. It's good that you do the comfort food and comfort clothes and any scrap of self-indulgence you can manage. We understand...and you WILL survive. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Love this post! Yesterday I was berating myself because I didn't make a single one of the 6 phone calls I should make to a nurse, case manager, social worker, doctor's office, hospital, or insurance company. A ponytail and perfume and sweatpants could not hide how long it had been since I'd showered or shaved my legs. And I didn't get in a full 15 minutes of tummy time for both babies in days. Instead I had a glass of wine and spent a Christmas gift card on myself. I'm thinking what a horrible mother I am. Then I read your post, and realize how extraordinary it all is and that taking a day off is hardly something to beat yourself up over. Sorry Bernadette. You just can't win. You inspired me anyway.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Princess is adorable and i bet MC rolls his eyes at his very active twin sister.
    Take care
    Aussie Pen x

    ReplyDelete
  6. I found this so inspiring, because what you did here was share your very human story, what you did was have the bravery to come here and tell us exactly how bad a day went for you. That's definitely inspiring.

    LOVE the picture of Princess' hands in MC's face. SO funny and cute.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I think that it's important to take one of those days every once in a while. You are an amazing women but sometimes...sometimes...you just need an un-ispriring day. We had dinner with friends last night and we got onto the subject of babies and I shared your incredible story. They were as amazed as I am! ((HUGS))

    ReplyDelete
  8. B-

    You will never, ever, "uninspire" any of us. You are, and will always remain, an inspiration to anyone who has ever cared for a sick parent, loved a child, or tried to make the world better for somebody who desperately needed a hero.

    Sometimes the world sucks, and sometimes, when you get knocked down, you need to lay there a minute before getting back up. The number of times you've gotten back up is absolutely amazing -- Rest a while when you need to.

    As heroes go, you're on my list forever.

    ReplyDelete
  9. MC is chubbing up beautifully and looks so much better. This means reality in a different way sets in. Sounds normal and appropriate to me.
    Actually one day 'off' for you really isn't enough. You and Duane need a weekend of two days not only 'off' but away together...regularly. Time to be people and a couple as well.
    As Princess continues with her path and it is different from MC's the contrasts will be starker and that takes the courage and strength you and your family have shown consistently.
    I was very aware of the time since your last post and was worried about what might have caused it. Know now. And am relieved it is normal human reality. The constant demand of dealing with bureaucratic ins and outs, the struggle on a daily basis.
    As everyone else has said it is OK to take a breath and regroup and it is normal. You have run on sheer will power and absolute determination a long time. Now take advantage of every opportunity to refuel, enjoy Princess and Duane, and be in touch with those things that renew you as a person.
    Loving hugs.....OCAGrandma

    ReplyDelete
  10. :)Those days are part of life I think they make the "better" days even better..xo

    ReplyDelete
  11. Bernadette, you are one of the most honest, real, inspiring blogs that I read. Everyone needs a day off. You can't be "the strong one" all the time. Sometimes you just need a day to mull it over, throw a fit about it, and then let it all go. MC has had an incredible journey and you have been there for him, loving him and advocating for him the whole way. And tomorrow, you'll pick back up where you left off and continue to be the amazing mom that you are!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hey- even what's his name rested on the seventh day. Cut yourself some slack :)
    K

    ReplyDelete
  13. Enjoy that coffee, take a nap, and then watch a movie curled up under the covers! We all need a break sometimes and I think you have more than earned yours!

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'm so glad you had two cupcakes. You deserved them, and needed them. Please be gentle with yourself. You're doing something really hard, and you're doing it beautifully.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Thank god for fuzzy grey sweaters, coffee, breath, poop and humanity! <3

    ReplyDelete
  16. Your only human Bernadette, you need days like this to just be and recharge your batteries without beating yourself up about it .Take care of yourself so you can take care of your beautiful children xx

    ReplyDelete
  17. I'm going to second what Stacie said. When you've been at such a high stressed state for so long, it is completely normal to fall apart once your child is doing better. You need this time to regroup, so that if MC is ever in another emergent situation that you can approach it with a renewed energy.

    Take it easy on yourself. You are such a great mom.

    ReplyDelete
  18. There is no way you could ever uninspired us.
    You deserve a break and you need it to keep going.

    Love the baby pics as always.

    ReplyDelete
  19. You are, and always will be, the most inspiring Mommy I have ever known. :-) Take some YOU time to recuperate, reenergize, and relax, and you'll be ready to tackle everything again in no time!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Bernadette, there is nothing uninspiring about your story.. you are a tower of strength. Remember the story of the footprints, every once in a while you need to be carried. And there is strength in weakness... you are so strong to allow yourself a moment to feel week and to admit it. You are truly an inspiration!

    ReplyDelete
  21. If you didn't take a mental break every once in a while, you'd never be able to continue. Good coffee, cupcakes, and lack of a to-do list is nothing. You should have thrown in a massage and a couple of martinis.

    ReplyDelete