700 Diapers

I've spent 4 years thinking I will never have children.

I've spent 3 weeks thinking I might actually have children.

I've spent 2 days thinking I am going to have children.

I spent 1 minute making my first baby purchase.


Diapers.

Note that there was no rhyme or reason to this purchase. It was simply a just-get--it-over-with-and-prove-to-yourself-that-the-world-will-not-come-to-an-end-so-you-can-get-on-with-buying-the-fun-stuff purchase.

And seeing as I am never one to pass up a good deal... I bought 700.

So What Have You Done?

Suddenly, this question has secured a top spot on my Most FAQ List.

And as many are simply asking because they don't know what the heck to respond with when I mention that: (1) a surrogate, (2) in India, (3) is carrying our twins, they tend not to notice my total deer-in-headlights expression,  and instead proceed with a rapid-fire subset of questions including decorated the nursery? found childcare? selected a pediatrician? picked out names?

To which I usually reply with some lame-o, "Um, yeah, all of the above. Maybe one or two more things to do, but, you know, yeah, I'd say we've definitely made a significant dent in the List."

Which, frankly, is nothing but a big fat freakin' lie!

Dent in the List? Where the heck do I come up with this stuff? I don't even have a "List." And the only thing I've made a dent in lately is a pint of Cherry Garcia.

That's right. Me, a spoon, and a tub of ice cream, as I enviously pour over my fellow bloggers "Lists" and marvel at their bravery for having already ordered their complete layette AND selected their minivan color.

Add to the fact that Duane, while babysitting my niece the other night, sent me the below picture with the message "Help! I don't know how to watch girls!" and I am beginning to think that we are falling woefully behind on all this baby preparation stuff.

Which is why I decided that today, it was finally time to take my first step in "that" direction.

And while I'm at it, why not start with the really hard stuff first.

Which is exactly what I did. I picked up the phone, dialed my hairdresser, and managed to secure a pre baby pick-up highlight and haircut appointment with less than two months advance notice.

Not impressed? You've clearly never tried to get in with my hairdresser.

Now, onto all the easy stuff...

I'M the Mom!

...so why the heck don't I feel like it?

It never fails.

And I mean never.

Less than 48 hours after I go out on a limb and make a "partial"baby announcement at work, I receive a 5:45 a.m. email. From my clinic.

Now I should explain that communications from our clinic come in 3 forms:

1. The email with the subject line "USG Report." This is a wonderful email. It means all is well, pictures of the babies are enclosed and that there are no significant problems to note.

2. The email with the subject line "Mxxxx- admission." This one means your surrogate is in the hospital. It makes your heart stop. After which you throw up. After which you curse yourself for not checking your email earlier-- seriously, when did I decide that it was ok to stop the 3 a.m. message checks?

3. The phone call. Nobody wants the phone call. Ever.


So I wake up Friday to an email of the second variety. Crap. 

Though there are more, the only words I can see are "abscess" "surgical procedure" and "anesthetics."

I frantically email the clinic for more information. I call my parents house. (Note, you are never too old to call your parents at any time of day/night.) My dad, who cannot understand my hysterics and who is still half-asleep answers and tells me I have the wrong number. The hysterics go up a notch. I yell that I need to talk to my mom which causes sudden recognition of the hysterical voice-- likely a teenage years flashback.  I eventually get in touch with said mom who also happens to be one very knowledgeable nurse.

I realize that I don't even know what I should be asking my clinic. I don't know the first thing about anesthesia, I don't know the first thing about pregnancy and I haven't a clue whether the former is safe during the latter.

My first reaction is to google but the minute I see "could cause preterm labor" I decide it is simply better to just sit at my kitchen table and sob until I hear back from my clinic.

The clinic emails and I am told that "local" anesthesia was used-- note that this variety is safe during pregnancy-- and that our surrogate would be discharged the following day.

Good. Babies are safe. This should make me feel better, right?  

Wrong. Instead I feel rotten. Feelings of anger and  resentment, that I believe have been brewing over the past two weeks as I attempt to make the transition from "is this really happening" to "I think this might actually be happening" surface and I am just downright pissed.

I want to be there. I want to make decisions about whether my babies will be exposed to any type of anesthesia. I want to protect them. I WANT TO BE THE MOM! And I am so frustrated... because I sure as heck don't feel like one now...

Surrogacy is difficult on so many levels, but the utter lack of control is inarguably the hardest part. I am ready for May and for the arrival of these babies. I am ready to hold them and to have them by MY side. I am ready for the stress and the anxiety and the helplessness that accompany having a baby 7,000 miles away to slowly fade away.

Because I am truly ready, after all that we have been through...to finally feel like THE MOM!

A BIG Day

Literally.

I prepped last night starting with 3 glasses of wine, followed by no sleep, followed by a severe case of hives, followed by a dose of steroids (which made it impossible to sleep), followed by a dose of Benadryl (which made it impossible to wake up), followed by 3 cups of coffee, 4 outfit changes and 1 short cry.

Today was the date of our 22 week scan.

Today was also the date I set for telling my boss about our extra-curricular activities.

Approximately 15 minutes prior to leaving for work we got "the email." I did the quick one eye scan and saw that everything looked fine. I did the thorough enlarge 500% view and saw that again, everything looked fine. I read each word of the report and concluded that yes, everything looked fine. I finally read the text of the email.

"there is a discrepancy between the twins. However,it is less than two weeks. Please note that there is nothing to worry about and we need not to do any thing further in this matter at this stage of pregnancy."


Now, ironically, I was on the path of no worry... when wham I am told not to worry, which of course causes me to become worried because I can't figure out what I am supposed to not be worrying about!

As usual, Dr. S was quick to quell my fears. Apparently, there is nothing to be worried about (there was just the anticipation that I might be worried-- imagine that) as we are beyond the stage at which point a discrepancy could mean something "worrisome."

Indeed, we just have some big babies!

Twin I is measuring 22 weeks 6 days (1.15 lb) and Twin II is measuring 24 weeks 3 days (1.5 lbs).

We could not be more thrilled!

Let's just say the big work announcement went very similar-- much worry, realization that everything will be fine, big relief. More details to come... just as soon as I get a good night's sleep!