I was in the print shop today, making copies of the all important FRRO documents in preparation for a second visa appointment when the time comes (am I the first in surrogacy history to actually go through this process twice?) when an employee asked if I would like some tea. It's a beautiful trait of India that wherever you are, no matter the time of day, the odds are in your favor that someone will offer you tea. And as I learned rather quickly, it's simply impolite to turn them down.
In response to my nod, the employee asked "Normal?"
I smiled. Having been in India for over four months, I knew what he meant by Normal. Tea. Steamed milk. A beautiful blend of spices. Served in a tiny china cup on an ornate tray. Two cubes of sugar on the side. During the middle of the afternoon. In the basement of a print shop.
Normal? Well, I suppose it all depends on who you ask.
Yesterday, I received news that no parent wants to hear.
I was told that Master Cheeks' testing came back Not Normal.
I don't remember much about that conversation. I may have left halfway through... I may have collapsed into the security guard's chair as she ran to get me a paper cup of water... I may have called and woken my mom at 3 a.m.... and I may cried for the fifth time in four months on that long walk home-- though I'm not really sure since it was pouring down rain... stopping only for a small boy wearing nothing but a t-shirt, who smiled in his Normal as he motioned for that paper cup of water.
I struggled with how in the world I was going to tell Duane. How do you tell a father that his son could be Not Normal?
Fortunately, I realized that I didn't have to.
Because it dawned on me, that Hayden, regardless of what his tests indicate, is still going to be Normal for Hayden.
Which is, of course, the only way that we would ever want him to be.
We are cognizant, however, that in order to help Hayden be the best Hayden he can be, he is going to require some highly specialized care. We are incredibly fortunate to live within minutes of a world renowned hospital that can deliver such care, and we are working to get him transferred there as soon as humanly possible. We are simply overwhelmed by the generosity of our friends around the world who have assisted us with these efforts. Thank you to all, and we will continue to keep you posted.
With love from India,
Mommy, Princess and The Cheeks
In response to my nod, the employee asked "Normal?"
I smiled. Having been in India for over four months, I knew what he meant by Normal. Tea. Steamed milk. A beautiful blend of spices. Served in a tiny china cup on an ornate tray. Two cubes of sugar on the side. During the middle of the afternoon. In the basement of a print shop.
Normal? Well, I suppose it all depends on who you ask.
Yesterday, I received news that no parent wants to hear.
I was told that Master Cheeks' testing came back Not Normal.
I don't remember much about that conversation. I may have left halfway through... I may have collapsed into the security guard's chair as she ran to get me a paper cup of water... I may have called and woken my mom at 3 a.m.... and I may cried for the fifth time in four months on that long walk home-- though I'm not really sure since it was pouring down rain... stopping only for a small boy wearing nothing but a t-shirt, who smiled in his Normal as he motioned for that paper cup of water.
I struggled with how in the world I was going to tell Duane. How do you tell a father that his son could be Not Normal?
Fortunately, I realized that I didn't have to.
Because it dawned on me, that Hayden, regardless of what his tests indicate, is still going to be Normal for Hayden.
Which is, of course, the only way that we would ever want him to be.
We are cognizant, however, that in order to help Hayden be the best Hayden he can be, he is going to require some highly specialized care. We are incredibly fortunate to live within minutes of a world renowned hospital that can deliver such care, and we are working to get him transferred there as soon as humanly possible. We are simply overwhelmed by the generosity of our friends around the world who have assisted us with these efforts. Thank you to all, and we will continue to keep you posted.
Mommy, Princess and The Cheeks
I love you!I will make sure that we do everything possible to turn that 1/2 smile into a full cheeked smile as soon as he gets home!!!
ReplyDeleteMr. Cheeks may not be average but he will his finest self. Miracles are never average norms. You already figured this out and that is amazing and a gift.
ReplyDeletePrayers for you all are from around the world.
Crying is good and releases us to move forward,
You and Duane are wonderful parents.
old ca grandmother
Dear Bernadette! I am thinking of you today. As a mom of a very special and wonderful child (children).
ReplyDeleteHugs from Germany
Kathrin
I wish I could reach across the world and give you a hug! Hold on to that statement... Normal for Hayden. Whatever Normal that Hayden is given he will know that his Mommy and Daddy's love is not Normal it is Extraordinary, Amazing, Phenomenal, Stupendous, Awesome, and Wondrous..... and with that kind of love he will become an Extraordinary, Amazing, Phenomenal, Stupendous, Awesome, and Wondrous Man!!
ReplyDeleteYou are so strong. I want be tough like you when I grow up.
ReplyDeleteTake care.
m.
<3 <3 <3 If I could send you more than love, I swear, I would.
ReplyDeleteOh that sounds a tough day. I wonder if you should start a donation fund to get Hayden home, I'd donate and I'm sure others would too. Stay strong. X
ReplyDeleteJust want to let you know that a donation site has been set up - please see http://drshivanisachdevgourdelhi.blogspot.com/2012/08/lets-help-get-master-cheeks-and.html
DeleteI know that Bernadette is too modest to post it, so I thought I'd do it for her. We can all help get this precious mommy and her little boy and girl home and to NORMAL! Whatever the definition is!
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ReplyDeleteBernadette, I feel i know you very well. I am a paediatric ICU nurse with a little on one on the way in Delhi, so I really get you beautiful and honest posts. Thanks so much. Your a strong woman. Marty
ReplyDeleteThere are no words to express what I want to tell you Bernadette...You and Duane remain strong and you will work through this...because that's what parents that love their children do...I'm sorry you've been through so much and have so much more to go through....I pray you all a safe and speedy trip home soon...thinking of you...if you need to vent or cry sometime...skype me..take care and God bless!
ReplyDeleteSending love.
ReplyDeleteThis reflection on what 'normal' is for Hayden was beautiful. No doubt your attitude will assist him greatly in being the best he will be. With Scarlett urging him on at his side and you all 'home' with added support he will be well on his way.
ReplyDeleteI just spent hours reading your blog after hearing of it from another surro friend, and cried and laughed with you, many times. You and your family will be in my continued prayers and I hope you are home soon with your children and your husband. You are a mighty strong woman, and a wonderful mother...
ReplyDeleteEvery parent prays for a healthy baby but I can tell you from experience, when they're not quite perfect, you love them even more. God bless.
ReplyDeleteBernadette, Dave and I have read every word of every post, moved by your courage and your incredible love for Hayden and Scarlett. We want you to know that we're on your team and ready to help when you're back in Baltimore. We wish you peace. Kate
ReplyDeleteYour attitude and strength is an inspiration to everyone. We are very much looking forward to hearing that you are all home safe and sound. All our love to you xxx
ReplyDeleteI am the mother of an adorable one-year-old son with a very rare genetic syndrome. I know how heartbreaking it can be to learn that your child may not live the life you originally envisioned for them. I really appreciated reading your insightful thoughts on Hayden's "normal". We are still learning what my son's "normal" will be. One thing I've learned in the past year is that every child is different and has different potentials in life. Our job as parents is to help them reach 100% of that unique potential. You are doing a great job at that already. Good luck, and I hope you are able to bring your beautiful children home soon.
ReplyDeleteI want to add this quotation I saw at my son's developmental pediatrician's office:
Delete"The forest is magnificent, yet it contains no perfect trees" --Gye Fram
This quotation gives me some perspective, especially when I am tempted to compare my son to other, more "normal", children. Like you said, every child makes his or her own normal.
I've been reading your blog for some time, but have never posted. I am a retired special educator and fosterparent to newborn medically fragile and drug exposed newborns and I hope my experiences might be helpful to you.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what "not normal" means to a doctor in India, but it can mean many things in our country. I had a baby 13 years ago who was a 26 week preemie, very drug exposed, with respiratory problems, due to both her preemie-ism and her "ability" to aspirate food on the way down and on it's way back up. She ended up with a gastrostomy, a suction machine, and a pulmo-aid. Her developmental issues were a huge concern., Today she is a healthy, active 13 year old with a mild disability in reading.
Whatever Haydon is and will be is enough, but he may be far more than you can imagine now. I hope so.
Best of luck to you as you head home.
Dixie
With parents like you a Duane, Hayden (and Scarelett!) have the very best.
ReplyDeleteWishing you strength (when you need it) and love from Atlanta.
You are such a strong woman, I am so glad to hear that you reached out for support when you needed it, sounds like a rough day. I am not sure that I would have handled it with as much grace as you. Wishing you peace in your heart, and more love than you knew possible for those precious babies of yours. Praying tonight that your journey to home will be sooner and smoother than you could imagine.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you mama x
I have been following your blog for the last few months, but have not yet commented. I just wanted to say that one of the most terrifying days of my life was the day that my son's neurologist said, "Is there someone with you?". There wasn't and my reaction was much like yours.
ReplyDeleteIt has been almost a year since that day. I won't lie it has not been an easy year, however it's been a year where I have learned more about myself than I ever thought possible, a year when I've been humbled more than once by the love and support of our friends and family and it's been a year where I have discovered that my son may not be normal according to a chart, but he is amazing, capable and has surprised his doctors, his teachers and his parents more than once,
You and your family have been and will continue to be in our thoughts and prayers.
Our thoughts and prayers continue to be with you and your adorable family. I only have a small inkling of what you have been through as for 3 months we were unsure whether JBB would have permanent damage to his heart from Kawasaki disease. You are a mother, you are strong, you will be a soft place to fall for your lovely, beautiful children.
ReplyDeleteI'm still following your journey, even though I shut down my blog because we can't got through with surrogacy. I am in awe of your strength and wish there was more I could do. Much love and many positive prayers xxx
ReplyDeleteZoe (was zee)
I wish I could reach continents and give you a hug! your are a wonderfull mother .
ReplyDeleteAs stated by Shakti Rose, start a donation fund to get Hayden home. god bless you
There is one - see SCI Surrogacy Centre India blog!
DeleteYour strength just amazes me. You are a good mom and that is why God has chosen you and Duane to be the parents of this Special child. He knew that you both would do whatever it takes and more to give Hayden the kind of life he deserves to live. You both can do this and you have the blessing to have family and friends to help. I have followed your journey through this blog and am amazed and humbled by the strength you possess. I pray that you, Scarlett & Hayden will be home with Duane really soon. God Bless You my dear.
ReplyDeletePlease know that I am thinking about you and sending the very best of thoughts and prayers your way. You are an amazing woman and mother and your strength is inspiring. I hope that you are able to bring those beautiful babies home very soon! ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteBernadette and Duane, I don't know you and have never posted, but feel we share some similarities. I am a pediatric nurse, and lived and worked in Baltimore for a year. There are many wonderful hospitals there, especially Johns Hopkins. We are also struggling with infertility and considering surrogacy with our 3 frozen blasts. I honestly don't know how you have done this. I, like everyone else here, keeping hoping to see the post that you are home. The day WILL come.
ReplyDeleteIf anyone is interested there are details to contribute at the Stalking the Stork blog!
Bernadette, you are amazing and so strong. Only cried 5 times in the last 4 months? I'm pretty sure I cried more than that in the first 4 months of my son's life, and I had only one, and he was healthy and full-term, and I went back to my own house with my husband...
ReplyDeleteI think Shakti Rose is right. So many people saying "I wish I could do something for you..." I don't know whether money or logistics are your primary issue right now, but if money would help, go for it.
Sending you good thoughts!!
I think about you guys a lot and am hoping and praying you get home sooner than later. This type of news is always a bit easier to take when you are in surroundings that are more familiar, near people that love and support you. Just really wanna give you a big fat hug but that'll have to be in February next year. Take care of yourself. Thanks for sharing your story. HUGS.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and hope that all goes well with your return with princess and handsome cheeks xxxx
ReplyDeleteHayden your beautiful Son is perfect just the way he is with the best Mummy and Daddy and Sister of course in the world. Glad we can now do something to help you.
ReplyDeleteThere has been a donation site set up to assist in getting everyone home and to NORMAL, whatever the definition is.
ReplyDeleteI know that B. is too modest to post the link, so I thought I'd do it for her. http://drshivanisachdevgourdelhi.blogspot.com/2012/08/lets-help-get-master-cheeks-and.html
Bernadette, wishing you every ounce of love and positive vibes that I can muster. I know that Cheeks is going to get the very best care at the very place I would put my own children. Much love, K.
Scarlett and Hayden are very lucky to have you and Duane as parents. You guys have been rockstars through this and, cleary, you're the family that Hayden was meant for. Your determination to have him, your strong bond as a couple to be able to pull it off continents apart, your inspirationally positive attitude in the face of terribly emotional and financial setbacks...these are the things that Hayden needs to become the best man he can be. I'm so sorry that things have been so rough, but so happy that Hayden has you two. I can't wait to see all four of you together in one of those cheesy christmas photos.
ReplyDeleteScarlett and Hayden are very lucky to have you and Duane as parents. You guys have been rockstars through this and, cleary, you're the family that Hayden was meant for. Your determination to have him, your strong bond as a couple to be able to pull it off continents apart, your inspirationally positive attitude in the face of terribly emotional and financial setbacks...these are the things that Hayden needs to become the best man he can be. I'm so sorry that things have been so rough, but so happy that Hayden has you two. I can't wait to see all four of you together in one of those cheesy christmas photos.
ReplyDeleteI saw this quote and immediately thought of your anthem-
ReplyDelete“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’” — Mary Anne Radmacher
Love and light from our family to yours xx
You are an inspiration to us all Bernadette!!Hayden has the best sister,mom and dad that anyone can wish for. I know that with all your strengths,love and passion, he will have no problem in conquering all the hurdles that he may have to face in this journey of life .
ReplyDeleteBernadette,all that matters is that you have an amazing family.Normal is overrated.All I see is an adorable boy named Hayden..with the cutest cheeks in town!!!
Amy and Ellie want to squeeze them!!:)
xoxo
kathy
Ive been following your post for a very long time . I will lite a special candle for you and your little boy and girl that you will all be home and be able to get your baby boy to baltimore a top Hospital .
ReplyDelete