It started Tuesday with a sore throat and stuffy nose. By yesterday morning, I was miserable.
Two extraordinarily long nights of blow nose, wash hands, sanitize with antibacterial gel, feed baby, repeat. Scarlett was lacking food, I was lacking sleep and we were both lacking our usual cheerful demeanors.
No baby nurses were available.
Me and my 2 month old preemie sat in a one bedroom apartment.
She was out of her usual formula. After braving the 111 degree heat in a tuk tuk to travel to 5 different pharmacies, I came to realize that all of India was out of her usual formula.
We'll have to use the kind that causes gas.
endless crying
I called the hotel doctor. I'm sick. Sure he'll come. Give him money.
I need prescriptions. More money.
Can you send someone? I'm alone with a baby and I can't go near her. Absolutely, just pay money.
Here are your medicines. Five pills. Not five days worth, like instructed. It's ok, just send someone else tomorrow. And by the way, pay more money.
I really need a baby nurse.
Ok, we'll send someone. Someone Scarlett has never met. Wait, where is the nurse who has taken care of her for the past 2 months?
I'm sick. I need sleep. She needs sleep. And that's not going to happen with someone she doesn't know.
Oh, we had to put her with the new babies who are using her all the time. You are nice. Your baby is good. She can have someone else.
No, NO, NO!
Send me Scarlett's nurse. Send her every day if that's what you need to do. And yes, of course, I will pay you more money.
I need to see Hayden. Through the window. Because I'm sick. My Hayden. On oxygen.
I'll sleep in the car. It's close to two a hour drive midday.
114 degrees
Good, there's my car. Air conditioned, comfortable seats. Precious sleep.
No wait, madam, that is for a new client. You have the other one. Playboy sticker, pleather bench that only reaches mid-back. It's as hot as the pavement outside.
My god, just get me an air conditioned car. I don't care, if I have to I WILL PAY YOU MORE MONEY!
I arrive at the NICU. Seeing my expression, the doctor waves me in.
I sit in the swivel.
60 days together.
He knows.
Today is our "3 week" talk. Can we go home by mid-June? Can my children meet their father before their 3 month birthday? Before father's day? And my job? My leave will be up.
60 days together.
I know.
"I'm sorry," he shakes his head, struggling for words. "I know that by now it is just too hot. "
And I slowly nod my head as the tears stream down my face.
Too. hot.
I will sit in this chair 22 days from now.
92 days in the NICU. How many more?
I want to tell him that we can fix this.
It's India.
I want to tell him that I will just pay him more money.
Only I can't.
Because I realize.
There is none.
Two extraordinarily long nights of blow nose, wash hands, sanitize with antibacterial gel, feed baby, repeat. Scarlett was lacking food, I was lacking sleep and we were both lacking our usual cheerful demeanors.
No baby nurses were available.
Me and my 2 month old preemie sat in a one bedroom apartment.
She was out of her usual formula. After braving the 111 degree heat in a tuk tuk to travel to 5 different pharmacies, I came to realize that all of India was out of her usual formula.
We'll have to use the kind that causes gas.
endless crying
I called the hotel doctor. I'm sick. Sure he'll come. Give him money.
I need prescriptions. More money.
Can you send someone? I'm alone with a baby and I can't go near her. Absolutely, just pay money.
Here are your medicines. Five pills. Not five days worth, like instructed. It's ok, just send someone else tomorrow. And by the way, pay more money.
I really need a baby nurse.
Ok, we'll send someone. Someone Scarlett has never met. Wait, where is the nurse who has taken care of her for the past 2 months?
I'm sick. I need sleep. She needs sleep. And that's not going to happen with someone she doesn't know.
Oh, we had to put her with the new babies who are using her all the time. You are nice. Your baby is good. She can have someone else.
No, NO, NO!
Send me Scarlett's nurse. Send her every day if that's what you need to do. And yes, of course, I will pay you more money.
I need to see Hayden. Through the window. Because I'm sick. My Hayden. On oxygen.
I'll sleep in the car. It's close to two a hour drive midday.
114 degrees
Good, there's my car. Air conditioned, comfortable seats. Precious sleep.
No wait, madam, that is for a new client. You have the other one. Playboy sticker, pleather bench that only reaches mid-back. It's as hot as the pavement outside.
My god, just get me an air conditioned car. I don't care, if I have to I WILL PAY YOU MORE MONEY!
I arrive at the NICU. Seeing my expression, the doctor waves me in.
I sit in the swivel.
60 days together.
He knows.
Today is our "3 week" talk. Can we go home by mid-June? Can my children meet their father before their 3 month birthday? Before father's day? And my job? My leave will be up.
60 days together.
I know.
"I'm sorry," he shakes his head, struggling for words. "I know that by now it is just too hot. "
And I slowly nod my head as the tears stream down my face.
Too. hot.
I will sit in this chair 22 days from now.
92 days in the NICU. How many more?
I want to tell him that we can fix this.
It's India.
I want to tell him that I will just pay him more money.
Only I can't.
Because I realize.
There is none.
Hang in there and keep the faith. There are so many of us praying for you and your sweet little ones. You are a huge inspiration to so many of us new to this journey and to those who have been down the same road before.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the lovely words. This community is an inspiration to ME!
DeleteThis is a marathon but the end is in sight. Imagine being at home with your two beautiful children and your husband. It will be glorious! Tomorrow is another day, one day closer.
ReplyDeleteImagining, imagining, imagining! Thank you for the lovely words!
DeleteOK - you are sick - you are tired - your defences are down. You will get better - you will rest and you will beat this. You are amazing - you are inspirational - and you are loved. XX
ReplyDeleteOh Bernadette, I am so sorry you and babies are enduring the things you are, especially in these stiflingly hot months, so overwhelming and exhausting.
ReplyDeleteYour story is a stark reminder to me of what can happen to any of us and it encourages me to include various outcomes in my planning for which I am thankful to you for but sad for you at the same time.
Big hugs and piles of love from afar, at least with love - There is loads........
Yes, it is practically impossible to "plan," as no two outcomes are the same, but in the end it is ALL worth it, and I am remembering to be grateful this week!
Delete((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
ReplyDeleteSending you tons of hugs of strength and love! Stay strong and get well soon <3
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're having to still go through this. I hope you'll be able to leave and come back to the U.S. soon. I know that everything will work out though, and that even though it's really tough now...it will just be fond memories one day. Keep your chin up!
ReplyDeleteYou are absolutely right about the fond memories. Thanks for the lovely words!
DeleteI can't imagine being sick with a newborn premie, all the way in a strange country and my other baby still in nicu. Hang in there, this too shall pass. Wishing you lots of rest, sleep and rejuvenation.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the well wishes! I have recuperated and am smiling once again!
DeleteFeeling unwell and rundown can have so much influence on how you perceive things. I was so sick for the week we were in India and only could venture out of the BnB to go to the clinic. I was so upset and depressed that we never got to see India at all and at the same time couldn't handle being there with the lack of medication I needed, no rest and sleep at the average accom etc...I was counting down the days til we could get on that plane home. I know you have been through so much more than this and without hubby! Everything passes eventually...even when it feels like it will last forever. Try to remember that you are there for your babies and they need you so much!
ReplyDeletePS Just to let you know we have never stopped praying for you!!!!!!
Your prayers mean so much! And yes, being sick gives you such an awful perspective. Hoping that you get to enjoy India on your second visit-- it really is an amazing place!
DeleteSending you lots of love and prayers Bernadette.
ReplyDeleteUgh, that sounds so miserable. I don't know how you're able to do it, so a big cry is definitely called for. I hope you all three of you get the rest and care that you need. I know you know this, but it's only a matter of time before you guys are home. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteYep! Big cry done and now looking forward. Thanks for the lovely words. Sorry I haven't had time to comment, but I am really praying hard for YOU! (Btw, we were a 2d time FET success!)
DeleteSo sorry that this is happening - especially a world away. Usually these first few months fly by but for you I imagine they are dragging on endlessly. Just know that you have a world of friends (and I mean that quite literally) that are pulling for you and your babies. Just keep waking up each morning and going through the routine and one morning not to long from now you will wake up and head to the airport and fly home with your kids. Then many years from now when Hayden is giving you back sass about taking his iPod to school (because all the other kids do) you can remind him of all the hell you went through for him. Stay strong!!!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you..
ReplyDeleteYou are a truly brave & inspirational lady. After a big cry and a little sleep you will hopefully feel brighter and stronger and able to continue your challenging journey.
Take care, SJ & B xx
Thank you! "Scarlett's" nurse is Renju. She was telling me about looking after your girls and I showed her their current pictures on your blog. She loved it! xo
DeleteThinking of you and sending lots of good, healing thoughts your way. Hang in there!! ((HUGS))
ReplyDelete((((Hugs!!)))) How can you NOT get sick, with all the stress you're under, the sleep deprivation, the being in a new country? It just must be so hard to do all of it alone. I really, really hope things get better soon - Hayden takes a turn for the better, you start to feel better, you turn out to like the new baby nurse, or whatever. Something's got to turn around soon!
ReplyDeleteWow, you have me tearing up. I am so sorry. I don't know you, but I have been reading your blog for the last few weeks. If I had any, I'd totally send you money and your own personal person to fan you. But I don't and all I can send is prayers and internet hugs. :(
ReplyDelete*hugest hugs* Wish I could be there to give you a bit of a break.
- Kerry
I LOVE prayers AND internet hugs! Thanks a million-- it means so much!
DeleteSending you big hugs and keeping you in my prayers, hope this time passes quickly and the three of you are home soon
ReplyDeleteI think of you and your little ones and your hubby all the time. You will get through this. Just one step and one day at a time. Sending you and the little ones much love and hugs across the miles.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for the love and hugs! We appreciate them SO much!
DeleteMany, many hugs. The end days in the NICU drag on forever even in the best of circumstances. Add in sickness and being far from home/family, and it has to be overwhelming. Many, many, many hugs.
ReplyDeleteOh Bernadette you poor love. I really feel for you and cried reading this post. Please stay strong and brave. Your babies need you. Try and get well soon, then everything seems more surmountable. Love, strength and hugs!! xxxxxx
ReplyDeleteBernadette, I am so sorry your family continues to be seperated and your stay in Delhi seems neverending. I hope little Hayden soon realizes that the world outside of DNB is much better and that there is a big jet plane waiting to take him home! I hope you feel better soon. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteBernadette I can't imagine how hard this is for you. Don't underestimate your strength and resilience because it couldn't be stronger underneath the cold, exhaustion and homesickness. You have been through so much. We are still sending you and your gorgeous children our love and prayers.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to read this... you are a very strong and inspiring lady, i do hope you feel better soon!and that you are all back home soon with your husband!!
ReplyDeleteLots of love and hugs from us xxx
My Dear Bernadette,
ReplyDeleteTears filled my eyes as i can so picture your face and emotions. I know there is nothing else in the world you want than to come home. Prayers upon prayers are sending your way!!
Luv, from Jersey :)
Bernadette, I'm so sorry to hear how rotten you feel at the moment. And rightly so. You're going through so much! I am amazed at your strength.
ReplyDeleteI want to reach out and give you a big hug, I want to take your flu away, I want to rid you of India's heat and I want to bring Hayden to you and tell you he's ready to go home.
I can't tell you these things, but they WILL happen. You will be home with your babies and your husband.
Many hugs and love to you xxx.
Zoe
Thinking of you Bernadette and hoping that you are feeling in better spirits soon. It must be bloody hard doing this alone in another country - it will come to an end though and you will get home to your loved ones eventually xxx
ReplyDeleteEveryone says that we have to make sacrifices for our children, but you are just making those sacrifices on the front-end, Bernadette. And you are doing it with so much courage...remember that when things are in the toilet and you feel like screaming at the top of your lungs "WHY??????" There's so much love out there for you and your family. You've GOT this...stick to your guns and it'll be over before you know it. BIG HUGS!
ReplyDeleteBernadette......I know things seem pretty awful at the moment and that doesnt adequately describe it at all I am sure. I hope that Hayden makes his escape from Delhi Newborn sooner than expected and defies medical advice! You , Duane and your babies are long overdue to receive a healthy dose of good karma so sending this your way. Seding love and prayers your way
ReplyDeleteI have read your blog for months. This morning I logged on to check on your latest post and it has me in tears. I feel so badly for you. As I lay here on bedrest from my latest embryo transfer I wish I could fly to India and bust your baby out of the NICU. Cry, rant, rave, and then go on. What else is there to do? Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry sweetie. This whole process is unbelievably stressful and expensive. It's ok to cry. In fact, as sick as you are, I would worry if you didn't.
ReplyDeleteA year from now you will be home from India with you two gorgeous babies in your lap.
You can get through this.
Hugs.
Bern-
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you have to go through this. You are an incredibly strong woman, I admire you! Your children are so lucky to have you! I pray everyday that Hayden gets well enough to leave the NICU and head back to baltimore.
I hope you start to feel better soon!
Hang in there Bernadette... you are still human after all and you can only cope with so much. Give yourself some time to regroup and be kind to yourself. We are all thinking of you and sending healthy, happy vibes your way **hugs** xo.
ReplyDeleteI'm sending you a huge virtual hug right now!! Hang in there, girl!! I think you're amazing and doing an awesome job!
ReplyDeletethanks,Jesse. I think people like YOU are amazing;)
DeleteI'm so, so sorry. I can't even imagine how badly you want to come home right now. Hoping that you begin to feel better and that little Hayden is able to step it up soon so that you can all head home.
ReplyDeleteI 100% agree with what everyone has written, but I think what you need the most is to take some control back. And control of ANYTHING. When I was told I had cancer and had to have a hysterectomy as part of the treatment, I knew straight away that it had to be my decision. Which it was. I didn't have much choice (surgery or die), but it was still my call.
ReplyDeleteYou need to start calling at least one shot, but the first thing you need to do is call in the cavalry. You have done the MOST AMAZING JOB, but it's time for some others to step in. Can anyone fly over to help you? If no, lean on the shoulders of your surro family and either move in with someone or move next door. Not only will this give you adult company, you can save some $$s by sharing a nanny. Find your own private car or auto rickshaw to take you to the NICU and make a permanent booking - you'll have to give directions the first time (concierge will be able to tell the driver the area you're headed for, and then direct the last bit), but after that it will be easy. And hopefully cheaper.
My last suggestion - and it's out there - is to go home. Take Scarlet to go meet her daddy and her family, get your strength up and then fly back to pick up Hayden when he's strong enough. I know this will sound horribly expensive, but it probably won't be as you won't have to pay for accommodation, nannies etc etc. You have been the most wonderful link between new parents and their babies before they've been able to get to Delhi. Let them take over for a while.
Big hug and I really hope you're kicking your bug.
Lisa
xx
ps - I know how hard this waiting game is, and ours only lasted three weeks and both Nik and I were there. You surviving two months is a true testament of your strength.
Thank you for such a thoughtful comment. I have taken a lot of your advice and regrouped-- at least taking control of the nurse situation, which prevented me from taking care of anything else. With regards to going home, I have thought about it. A lot. Only I can't. I absolutely cannot picture myself stepping foot on a plane and leaving Hayden behind. Fortunately, I don't have a choice, as my visa prevents me from doing so anyways. (I wouldn't be allowed back for 60 days.) So, we will stay and make the best of it-- which we are doing a much better job of this week!
DeleteIt's been a few days, I hope all is looking a little brighter now.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
- Kerry
Thanks, Kerry. New week, new attitude!
DeleteHope you are starting to feel better. I know you don't know me (or many of us) from Adam, but know that you are in many of our thoughts every day.
ReplyDeleteSending you big hugs and imaginary chicken noodle soup.
I also hope you're feeling better by now! I think we all check for a new post daily, at least I do!
ReplyDeleteKim