This has been my survival technique for the last few days.
And apparently it was working better than I thought.
I saw the title of this post this afternoon... only it never dawned on me that our babies were two of those ten... until I read it again tonight.
I saw the title of this post this afternoon... only it never dawned on me that our babies were two of those ten... until I read it again tonight.
I feel like a failure.
Why am I too scared to crack open the champagne? Why when I tell people about the birth of our twins, do I feel it necessary to follow up with-- but they're in a Level V NICU? Why when people tell me I'm a mom, do I discreetly dig my fingernails into my palms, and think in my head, please let this be true?
I am trying like crazy not to think too hard.
Because when I do, it just hurts.
Scarlett has moved to oxygen under the hood, but Hayden seems content on his vent.
I'm thrilled for all the progress that they've made, but wish someone could promise me that they will both be alright.
I know in my head that this will be true... so long as I don't think too hard.
People tell you that you're a mom as you ARE. Your babies have been born, so you've got that title for LIFE. And it's truly ok if you don't feel that way yet. I distinctly remember telling Nik that I had one child (after we got Alex out of NICU after a week), even though I was a mother to two as we still didn't have Taj with us - and didn't for another two weeks. You do whatever you need to to survive. And crack open the champagne when you've got the all clear to leave India. That's when it really hit home for me.
ReplyDeleteHuge hug. I, like the rest of the world, are following your story daily.
Lisa
xx
I come here everyday to hear the good news about your little ones, I am praying they keep getting stronger and stronger and can't wait to see them in your arms. xoxo
ReplyDeleteHow can you not think hard...the situation must be overwhelming - taking over every thought! Like Lisa said, crack the champagne later, for now, just focus on staying sane and getting these babies healthy.
ReplyDeleteJust getting caught up....thinking of you and praying for your strength. One moment, one day at a time.
ReplyDeleteBernadette, Do you need me to smack you, you i believe have made it in the clear, your babies will be fine. Keep the faith God has given you children with the help of Dr. Shivani. You and your babies will be good. I can say this now because I am not in your shoes but when I am in your shoes in 9 months you will want to slap me and tell me to take a deep breath all will be ok. If you need to talk just let me know i am here for you. But remember the most important thing is your husband is feeling the same things you are. Hold on to him tight and support him as he will support you, you have that at least I will not. My prayers are to you both and your twins.
ReplyDeleteMy hubby has started asking for updates on Scarlett and Hayden, too. This is how touching your story is and how much we are feeling for you as parents, yes, as you a MUM and Duane a DAD! For those who have experienced lost hope in the past, it can take a little longer to allow ourselves the freedom to believe that we now have not only hope, but certainty that we are achieving what we have been dreaming of. Hugs xxx
ReplyDeleteWay to go Scarlett! With every difficult thing in my life, i have followed this motto...don't think too hard. We all do whatever it takes to get through the tough situations!
ReplyDeleteIt took me awhile to feel like a mom. I felt like an aunt more than a mom for the first few weeks and slowly the mom title started to feel real. Even now though Lee and i still say out loud at least once a day - holy sht i am a mom/dad!
If you remember try to buy the nice champagne at newark duty free, we were very disappointed that we couldn't find any in delhi besides at the expensive restaurants!
OMG I Love this last piece of advice. This is the advice of a true friend! :-)
DeleteDear Bernadette, you hang on in there, you are doing great and sounds Scarlette is making good progress and Hayden is stable. Thinking of you and see you very soon.
ReplyDeleteAvey
Ditto Tigerlilycat, this is not failure it is a totally necessary, finely honed survival skill that will get you to where you are going in as few pieces as possible i.e. intact !
ReplyDeleteKeep that little light burning.....
Warm wishes.
I am so happy that you are reaching out..and LOOK, everyone is responding! INCLUDING your babies...so there, it's happening. BELIEVE THOSE BABIES because they want to see you just as much as you want to see them. And ditto what ZEE said, Bill asks how Scarlett and Hayden every day and I give him the full report. So as much as you can, keep updating us. BIG BIG HUGS.
ReplyDeleteYou're perfectly normal.
ReplyDeleteJohn's Birthparent's rights weren't terminated for 6 months after he was born. I was afraid to be happy for all that time. I know, a different situation but I think it may apply here too.
m.
Thinking of you guys every minute. XOXOXOXO.
ReplyDeleteI&D
Thinking of you guys every minute XOXOXOXO
ReplyDeleteI&D
I understand that it must be so hard for you. I hope, pray and believe that each day will make the babies stronger. And every day brings closer the moment you can see, touch, hold and bring them home.
ReplyDeleteHugs of strength!
Soon enough that pit in your stomach will disappear. You'll know....really KNOW...that nothing can change your new title of PARENTS!
ReplyDeleteKeep writing....that will help you find your way!
This is totally normal! Even people who give birth to their children don't always feel like moms right away. It took me a couple of weeks before J really felt like mine, despite being pregnant for 9 months. How much harder it must be to really believe it when you haven't held them yet! But don't worry, you are a MOM! And congrats on Scarlett being off the vent!
ReplyDeleteI think that we are scared to let ourselves be happy...in infertility it seems like everytiime you let yourself get excited you get your teeth punched out...but, you are a mom and it will feel like it soon...i will ask you again in a few months when you been up both day and night with feedings, colic and teething!!! You will truly feel like a mom then!!! When you can touch them and feel them...you will know...for now...you are scared to let yourself think it..I understand these coping mechanisms well...for now, like you said...don't think too hard...but seize the day...not much longer and you will be with your babies.. mommy!!!!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you - know it must be so difficult but with every day it will be getting more and more real - especitally when you get to Delhi to see those two beautiful babies - then you will know you are a Mommy!!! Best wishes and big hugs, K xx
ReplyDeleteThinking of you lots!!
ReplyDeletewhen you arrive in Delhi i think it will make things easier as you can be with them, and you are a fab mummy!!
I've been reading through your posts, what a journey you have had! No wonder you're afraid to let go, totally expected and very normal. I'm sorry you're having to go through all of this at this stage in the game, but I hope that with each passing day, and each little milestone that the babies have(and they WILL have many milestones) that you will feel able to let go of all the fears (most of them anyway) and realize that you are indeed a mommy. Keep posting, everyone is pulling for all 4 of you!!
ReplyDeleteDon't think. Just be. Be a mom. Be a believer. Your babies WILL be alright. Hugs and prayers and love to you.
ReplyDeleteits almost impossible not to think too hard but then thats what a mum who loves her kids with every breath in her does. so Bernadette, as you are thinking, just think along the path that these little bundles will bring you joy and that they are here to stay.Its hard, yes! but it is achievable and remember lots of people are praying for these babies and even though you are not there, their guardian angels are and watching over them.
ReplyDeleteI think I would feel exactly the same... Still praying for those two little ones and for you and Duane. It will all be ok! I'm sure.
ReplyDeleteBernadette you and your family are in my prayers. You are such a strong woman and I am so happy that Scarlett and Hayden are making progress.
ReplyDelete