29 Weeks

Wow. I thought this post needed some accompanying music... just in case the content wasn't tear-inducing enough.

I am in awe that we are here.


Twenty-nine weeks.

Just typing those words makes me cry.

Lately, I've been reflecting on whether I actually ever thought we would make it to this point. I recall a conversation Duane and I had after we failed with our first two surrogates in India. When would we stop? The Baby Fund was depleted, we had used egg donors, we had used gestational carriers, we had traveled across the world for goodness sake-- when exactly would we call it quits and decide to live the  glorious Child-free Life full of vacations and freedom and excess income that all the infertility books were telling us it was time to consider?

We decided we didn't want it. We decided that we would never give up. We decided that it may take time, but we would do ANYTHING to have a family, and that no obstacle, big or small, could stand in our way.

But this begs the question, did I ever think that we would actually achieve our goal?  Or did I simply make a commitment with Duane to give it our best shot, knowing in my heart that it would never happen?

I don't know.

What I do know, is for a very long time we rode the lift up the mountain. We could never see the top of the mountain, and yet, we made a commitment that we would never jump off, that we would keep on riding until we got there... whether or not "there" actually existed.

When we finally reached the top, I was too scared to look and take it all in. I tightly shut my eyes and began the descent, praying that we would make it to the bottom unscathed.

To my babies, I am sorry that I was too fearful to look. I know that as a result, I have failed to record many important details of this journey.

But I was just so scared.

As we crossed that First Trimester Line, I began to let go of that fear... only the moment I opened my eyes for a peek, we fell hard once again.

I'm sorry you will never actually see the words "We're pregnant!" or "Best Day of My Whole Life!" throughout your story. I was coy about sharing our news. 

Sharing it in ways that allowed me to acknowledge what was happening without actually seeing. But read between the lines babies, and you can see what was in my heart.

I want you to know that I will never forget what I was doing at 10:08 a.m. on September 26, 2011. I want you to know that despite your existence as a numerical value on a piece of paper, I was already madly, deeply in love.

Most importantly babies, I want you to know that now, I can see you.

As I wash your tiny hats, as I drive the Momobile, as I sit in your soon to be nursery... I see you in everything I do.

And whether it be through this blog, or the journal I started in India, or through my words to others as I excitedly share your story, I promise that I will make up for all that I was too scared to acknowledge.

Because I promise, that from here on out, I will go forward with my eyes wide open.

Happy 29 weeks babies. I cannot wait to meet you.