We received our surrogate profiles today!!!
And I almost had a total meltdown...
Selecting a surrogate in India is a bit different than selecting a surrogate in the United States. In the United States you essentially have 3 options for choosing a surrogate: 1) Use an agency (note that for the same price you could, in the alternative, purchase a second home ), 2) set up an online profile on a surrogate matching website (think match.com with profiles centering around menstrual cycle history-- yes, it's a bit awkward, but I did it, and it works), or 3) find someone you know who is willing to carry altruistically and promise them a middle namesake or possibly, a guaranteed spot in the godparent pool (unfortunately, these types tend to be few and far between).
In India, however, at least at our clinic, potential surrogates rotate on a monthly basis, and about 7-8 days prior to an intended mother or egg donor's egg retrieval (i.e. today for me), intended parents are sent about six surrogate profiles whose cycles are the best match. They are then asked to select one or two, or have the option of leaving it up to the doctor.
So I woke up this morning, checked my email, and as soon as I saw the subject line "surrogate profiles" I was suddenly paralyzed with fear. I couldn't understand it. I had made the enormous decision to pursue surrogacy. I had made the brave decision to pursue surrogacy
in India. And I had easily made the decision as to who would provide half of our child's genetics in less than 24 hours.
What was it about making this final decision that horrified me? Why, when I attempted to click the download button to view the profiles, did my finger remain frozen in midair?
Naturally, I did what any person making a major life decision would do-- I went to a get a pedicure.
So I get to the nail salon and the first thing the nail tech says to me in typical Vietnamese nail salon fashion is: "Pick a color." I stare blankly at the rows and rows of polish bottles lined neatly up against the wall.
Suddenly,
my heart starts racing.
Do I go with the half empty bottle of mauve polish? It doesn't stand out against the rest of the bottles, yet it's clear that others have liked it in the past. And while it's certainly a more serious looking color, maybe that's the look I should be going for.
Or do I take a chance on the never opened bright fuchsia polish? It's young and it's fun and it certainly stands out. But is there a reason nobody has selected it before? Should
I be the first to give it a chance?
Noticing that I am about two seconds away from tears, vomiting, or both, the nail lady kindly looks at me and states in her broken English, "Not to worry. I pick for you."
And I am
SO relieved. Because, sometimes, as hard as it is for me to do, I need to let go of my inner control freak.
Sometimes, I just need to allow others to make decisions for me.
Sometimes, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, and having had so many pedicures in the past, it was quite possible that I could have stood analyzing the pros and cons of each color for days... and never actually come to a decision.
And then there was the other reason that is a little harder to admit. I had already made so many decisions leading up to this one. I had made the decision to get a pedicure. I had the made the decision as to what nail salon I would go to. And now, if I was the one to select the color, the outcome would be completely dependent upon decisions made solely by me.
What if, after having selected a color, the pedicure didn't turn out the way I was hoping it would? Would I beat myself up for selecting the wrong color? Would I spend hours agonizing over how it might possibly have turned out... if only I had selected a different color?
I realized that by allowing someone else to choose, I was possibly relieving myself of the burden of some very difficult questions later on. And I realized that this was ok.
Coincidentally, the pedicure turned out beautifully.
Afterwards, I went home to call Duane, to let him know that I was forwarding him the surrogate profiles.
And as I forwarded the profiles, I recalled the nail tech's words as I was about to leave the salon. "See, so beautiful," she says to me,
"sometimes better when others pick for you."
Yes, indeed, sometimes it is.
