If you are: (a) a bona fide mommy or daddy, (b) one of our local cheerleaders, (c) a first trimester graduate, or (d) any combination of the above, go ahead and skip this one. Really. It will definitely bore you, possibly baffle you, and might (but hopefully not since I know you're going to read anyways) lead you to rethink your friendship with me.
I am just going to start by putting it out there.
One hundred percent justifiably so, but nevertheless, capital C-R-A-Z-Y crazy. And I could spend all day on why that is, but to sum it up, we are all a product of some combination of lost pregnancies, failed treatments, drained bank accounts and strained marriages who, for some reason, happen to have the most fertile friends/coworkers/relatives on this planet. It is, enough to drive even the most sanest of persons straight to the loony bin.
And I believe that we all envision ourselves, someday, one day, getting that long awaited "phone call/email" (as is often the case when you are infertile), telling us that yes, we ARE pregnant, and that FINALLY we can cross over into the Land of No Worry, and that we are free to let go of all the craziness, the obsessions, the anxiety... that we are FINALLY free to let it all just melt away.
And from these past few weeks, I can tell you that I have had those blissful moments every time I receive my Monday emails confirming that yes, I'm going to be a mom (still). And I can tell you that they are every bit as special and exciting and endorphin-inducing as I always imagined they would be.
And I can also tell you that roughly 10 hours, 1 blog post and a celebratory dinner later... it's straight on back to the loony bin.
Oh Dr. Gooooooooooooogle!
Are you in? Of course you are. I know that you work a glorious 24 hours a day, particularly when I am in my worst state of panic at oh say, 3:00 in the morning. Just one question. Ok, who am I kidding. Just 553 questions. Ready. Go. First, I forgot the answer to the question that I just asked you 2.314 seconds ago. Well, actually, I didn't forget. I just wanted to confirm the answer for the thousandth time. Also, I was thinking that in the past 3 minutes since I last refreshed my smart phone, you might have come up with a different answer-- that is, a different answer than the one posted on my actual computer. What's that you say? I AM supposed to have a sac at this point?!? Or is too early? Or is too LATE? Or is it too early AND too late?!? And now, as a result of it being too early AND too late, I have a 0.0000000000000000000000000132345 % chance of losing the pregnancy?!? I knew it. I just knew it. What about my ultrasound pictures? How do they compare to others? No, not just the first five Google images. All 653 ultrasound images ever posted on Google. And Bing. And Yahoo. And when I type in 5 weeks 6 days, stop showing me pictures of 6 week ultrasounds!!! It's freaking me out and I am NOT ready to obsess about the heartbeat. Or maybe I should be you say? Because according to you, roughly 0.513% of pregnancies, give or take a few, see a heartbeat during the fifth week?!? Dammit! I can't find when you posted about that one patient who already had a heartbeat and she was 1.3465 WHOLE DAYS behind me! But wasn't her ultrasound done at 3:42 p.m. when mine was done at 8:23 a.m.-- so I get points for that, right? RIGHT?!? Dr. Google, ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?!? That's it!!! I'm going to bother my REAL doctor! Or not. She actually knows what she's talking about AND she's going to tell me everything is ok. Clearly, she does not know me!!! Clearly, she does not know that ANYTIME I HAVE EVER ATTEMPTED TO HAVE A BABY IT HAS NEVER EVER WORKED OUT! CLEARLY SHE DOES NOT KNOW JUST HOW CRAZY I AM!!!
Temmy (and anyone else who is "behind" me in the process and madly searching my blogging archives to assess my stats), in case you are reading (which I know you are), my 5 week ultrasounds did not reveal anything but several 'lil ole gestational sacs and then, voila, next week we have a few beautiful heartbeats. Haha, are you cursing me for not being specific enough? We hate words like "several" and a "few." We want cold hard statistics! How else can we compare?!?
I should also tell you, that if I was crazy enough (which of course I am not ) when I was stressing over the same thing as you, to have combed through everyone of Dr. S's blogger archives to see whether other IPs saw a yolk sac at the same exact point, I would imagine (because of course I never did something like this) that most, I take that back, a CLEAR majority of IPs never saw one at the before 5 week point either. Mere speculation, of course...
I am just going to start by putting it out there.
Us intended parents, we are crazy.
One hundred percent justifiably so, but nevertheless, capital C-R-A-Z-Y crazy. And I could spend all day on why that is, but to sum it up, we are all a product of some combination of lost pregnancies, failed treatments, drained bank accounts and strained marriages who, for some reason, happen to have the most fertile friends/coworkers/relatives on this planet. It is, enough to drive even the most sanest of persons straight to the loony bin.
And I believe that we all envision ourselves, someday, one day, getting that long awaited "phone call/email" (as is often the case when you are infertile), telling us that yes, we ARE pregnant, and that FINALLY we can cross over into the Land of No Worry, and that we are free to let go of all the craziness, the obsessions, the anxiety... that we are FINALLY free to let it all just melt away.
And from these past few weeks, I can tell you that I have had those blissful moments every time I receive my Monday emails confirming that yes, I'm going to be a mom (still). And I can tell you that they are every bit as special and exciting and endorphin-inducing as I always imagined they would be.
And I can also tell you that roughly 10 hours, 1 blog post and a celebratory dinner later... it's straight on back to the loony bin.
Oh Dr. Gooooooooooooogle!
Temmy (and anyone else who is "behind" me in the process and madly searching my blogging archives to assess my stats), in case you are reading (which I know you are), my 5 week ultrasounds did not reveal anything but several 'lil ole gestational sacs and then, voila, next week we have a few beautiful heartbeats. Haha, are you cursing me for not being specific enough? We hate words like "several" and a "few." We want cold hard statistics! How else can we compare?!?
I should also tell you, that if I was crazy enough (which of course I am not ) when I was stressing over the same thing as you, to have combed through everyone of Dr. S's blogger archives to see whether other IPs saw a yolk sac at the same exact point, I would imagine (because of course I never did something like this) that most, I take that back, a CLEAR majority of IPs never saw one at the before 5 week point either. Mere speculation, of course...
Wait. So did you see a sack or not? Or yes? But should we yet?
ReplyDeleteI think they've put my email address on their spam alert. I'm all, yes I know her next exam is a week out but how 'bout you check her progesterone levels again b/c I read.... :)
K
Wait. So did you see a sack or not? Or yes? But should we yet?
ReplyDeleteI think they've put my email address on their spam alert. I'm all, yes I know her next exam is a week out but how 'bout you check her progesterone levels again b/c I read.... :)
K
Yay! SOmeone else as crazy as I am!!!! :-) Dr. Google and I are VERY good friends.... VERY good. SOmetimes I need my husband to pry the computer and my phone out of my hands, both, at the same time. LOL!
ReplyDeleteShould I even comment on the fact that here we all sit, at 8:00 at night, on a Saturday night, on the internet?!? Can't wait till we all have a worthwhile reason to spend our Saturday nights in!
ReplyDeleteYou captured the feeling so well! Gotta love Dr Google - if nothing else, it shows us there are other crazy people out there.
ReplyDeletelol I love it!. Yes, I admit that I'm part of the Dr Google crew. Although I'm very good at telling of everyone else.......I too am sneaking erratic questions at Dr Google at every second... oh the joy!
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post, I really recognise myself, only I was reading medical books and scientific articles... They don't make one less confused and crazy :)
ReplyDeleteI know I am just the same! If I was paid an hourly rate for my internet surrogacy/pregnancy research Id be a millionaire several times over by now :) SJ & B xxx
ReplyDeleteI laughed several times when reading this post. I'm relating in many ways. Hang in there. Looks like thing are heading in the right direction. Pay no attention to Dr. Google :-)
ReplyDeleteArticulated beautifully! Been there, done that but must stop!!!
ReplyDeleteAvey
Oh Bernadette you are not crazy and I looooove you! This is exactly what have been doing. Omg I read this nd can't stop smiling. As I sit on the train now and smiling while I couldn't wait to read your next line as if u are reading my mind! I feel so blessed to know you guys. Thank you. Xxxxxxx
ReplyDeleteHang in there. You're on the right track and I'm so happy that the emails have continued being good ones! Best wishes!
ReplyDeletei'm right on the crazy train with you!! i busted out laughing so much while reading this! :) so happy you are getting HAPPY monday reports each week!!! i tell ya, googlin' will make anyone insane. i crack up when my phone remembers the ?s i've asked it numerous times in the past and before i'm done asking, my old ? pops right on up!
ReplyDeletewishing you lots of sanity and peace and happy each and every days!!
xoxo
maria <3