... But Hoping for the Best!!!
Following our transfer(s) last week we received our beta testing date. Our clinic informed us that the all important email would be sent... drum roll please... 11 days past our FET a/k/a a Monday!
Oh geez. Not sure if this date was going to work for me. I began to mull it over:
First, it's 11 days past a transfer of embryos frozen on day 3. This means that if we get a low beta, it could be a low beta because it's still very early OR it could be a low beta because we're the victims of yet another chemical pregnancy. Last transfer, one of our surrogates started out with a beta in her 20s (12 days past transfer). It was torture. Not because I actually had hope that it was going to miraculously double/triple/quadruple into a viable pregnancy, but, simply, because it causes a huge source of tension between Duane and I as we await the second beta 48 hours later.
Duane is the eternal optimist. And I get it. He likes to think that we'll be that 1 in a million couple that goes on to have a healthy pregnancy despite a low beta. You know, that one couple that EVERY desperate mommy-wanna-be who's ever googled "low beta results in successful pregnancy" comes across on the internet and thinks, hey, if it can happen to her then it can totally happen to me!
I know better. And I'm over it. Way over it. I've tried to recall how many times I've done the beta tests (both to check if their doubling, and worse yet, to ensure that they are decreasing all the way to zero after a confirmed chemical or miscarriage). And you know what's sad? I can't. So many freakin' times, that I've actually lost count.
Which of course rustles up some of my fondest infertility memories revolving around The Beta Tests. Every freakin' time, the same old drill. Phone call that I've got a low beta. Get a lab slip to have it tested two days later. Walk into lab. Wait for an hour in a cramped waiting room with about 500 visibly pregnant women. Same receptionist (who I LOATHE) is on duty. Asks me 10 times if I'm sure I've been here in the last 5 months because she's unable to locate me in the system. Yes, Loathsome Lady, I swear I was JUST here for the SAME EXACT THING 2 months ago! (Hoping perhaps that now that I am raising my voice it will jog her memory.) It doesn't. Well, I'm sorry Miss, I just can't find you in the system. Would you mind filling out about 200 pages worth of paperwork? Yes, I would ABSOLUTELY mind filling out about 200 pages worth of paperwork WHEN I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT I'M IN YOUR STUPID SYSTEM!!! Hmmm, well I'm just not seeing you. Can you tell me what you're here for? In my best about to lose it voice-- Loathsome Lady, I am here for an HCG test. An HCG test? Oh wow! You mean a pregnancy test! Congratulations! And at this point I just dissolve into tears. Every time. And Loathsome Lady is confused, and the 500 visibly pregnant women are confused, and me? I'm just sad. I'm just angry. I'm just speechless. Because I'm just infertile...
On top of this, Monday betas are THE WORST. (Funny how after all these years the tests have NEVER fallen on a weekend. Go figure.) Anyways, regardless of when I receive The News, I still have to stoically finish out my work week, concentrating on no less than one hundred other non-pregnancy related tasks-- which, quite frankly, is impossible. (And although I've never experienced it, I would imagine that if we receive GOOD NEWS-- which we are please, please hoping that we FINALLY will-- I would still be encumbered with the same completely distracted unable to concentrate on anything else for the rest of the week thoughts. So, in sum, the shorter the span of time between The News and The Weekend... The Better.
Which is why I ultimately asked our clinic to email me at 14 days past transfer. I cannot deal with the maybes and I am hoping to accomplish an entire week's worth of work prior to that date. Of course, we are desperately hoping that there will be no "maybe" issues to deal with (because we just so happen to have an amazingly high beta), AND that the ONLY reason I'm unable to focus on Thursday and Friday is a result of a little too much champagne the night before. It is sad that at This Point-- 8 cycles, 7 transfers, 6 REs, 5 miscarriages, 4 surrogates, 3 donors, 2 countries and well, we're still hoping for that 1 baby-- we find it necessary to Prepare for the Worst, so that the rest of Life does not crumble alongside our beta results. Nevertheless, we are STILL, simultaneously,
HOPING FOR THE BEST!!!