We left India with renewed spirits, the happiest we had been since our wedding day because...
it never occurred to us that it wouldn't work
We risked the rest of the baby fund, and traveled, literally, half away around the world because...
it never occurred to us that it wouldn't work
This weekend I attended my first "kid-centered" event in the past two years, feeling none of the usual anxiety and awkwardness when the moms talked their upcoming back to school talk because...
it never occurred to me that it wouldn't work
And we even decided on a "new" favorite girl name (which is hard to do when you have already devoted so many to past cycles) because...
it never occurred to us that it wouldn't work
We chatted about our parents going with us for pick up, about Rahul purchasing a bigger car, about how many babies there would be.... because
it never occurred to us that there would be zero
And I can vividly recall two months ago, calling my mother on the phone, breaking down in tears, having a rare moment of panic, that we would be that one couple that it wouldn't work for, and she assured me that we wouldn't and told me to look on Dr. Shivani's blog, look at all the couples who had recently gotten pregnant... and I did, and I realized that everyone in blogland was finding success, and I was never again fearful because...
it never occurred to me that it wouldn't work
And now I am hating that I have started this blog, that I have adorned my walls with pictures of our trip, that I have set up a Shiva shrine, that I have surrounded with myself with constant reminders that
IT DIDN'T WORK
And every day my coworkers ask if "I'm sure I'm alright because I look really terrible" and I laugh a fake laugh and say that I am just adjusting to life as a new associate because they wouldn't believe me if I even told them this tale with the horrible ending about how
IT DIDN'T WORK
And I am mean and short and refusing to return phone calls because I am so unbelievably angry that
IT DIDN'T WORK
And I have reached new depths of sadness, exhibited not by simple tears, but by uncontrollable breathless sobs as I utter the words over and over again that I WILL NEVER BE A MOM because after so much planning, and so much money, and every tiny speck of faith and hope that I could possibly muster up after so many previous failures
IT DIDN'T WORK
8 grade 1 embryos, 2 surrogates, a now total of 6 donor egg cycles, and unbelievably...
IT DIDN'T WORK
it never occurred to us that it wouldn't work
We risked the rest of the baby fund, and traveled, literally, half away around the world because...
it never occurred to us that it wouldn't work
This weekend I attended my first "kid-centered" event in the past two years, feeling none of the usual anxiety and awkwardness when the moms talked their upcoming back to school talk because...
it never occurred to me that it wouldn't work
And we even decided on a "new" favorite girl name (which is hard to do when you have already devoted so many to past cycles) because...
it never occurred to us that it wouldn't work
We chatted about our parents going with us for pick up, about Rahul purchasing a bigger car, about how many babies there would be.... because
it never occurred to us that there would be zero
And I can vividly recall two months ago, calling my mother on the phone, breaking down in tears, having a rare moment of panic, that we would be that one couple that it wouldn't work for, and she assured me that we wouldn't and told me to look on Dr. Shivani's blog, look at all the couples who had recently gotten pregnant... and I did, and I realized that everyone in blogland was finding success, and I was never again fearful because...
it never occurred to me that it wouldn't work
And now I am hating that I have started this blog, that I have adorned my walls with pictures of our trip, that I have set up a Shiva shrine, that I have surrounded with myself with constant reminders that
IT DIDN'T WORK
And every day my coworkers ask if "I'm sure I'm alright because I look really terrible" and I laugh a fake laugh and say that I am just adjusting to life as a new associate because they wouldn't believe me if I even told them this tale with the horrible ending about how
IT DIDN'T WORK
And I am mean and short and refusing to return phone calls because I am so unbelievably angry that
IT DIDN'T WORK
And I have reached new depths of sadness, exhibited not by simple tears, but by uncontrollable breathless sobs as I utter the words over and over again that I WILL NEVER BE A MOM because after so much planning, and so much money, and every tiny speck of faith and hope that I could possibly muster up after so many previous failures
IT DIDN'T WORK
8 grade 1 embryos, 2 surrogates, a now total of 6 donor egg cycles, and unbelievably...
IT DIDN'T WORK
It will work, don't give up. We are in this together and we will both look back on these days and think that hurt like hell but I'm so glad we tried again and never gave up. But we are allowed to cry and be angry too!!!
ReplyDeleteBec xxx
The sadness and anger are justified. I am just so saddened to read this post as you sound just crushed. For some of us it does not come easy, we can attest to this. Work through your emotions and remember all of us in blog land are here to support you, however you are feeling.
ReplyDeleteI know there is nothing I can say to ease your pain but know that we are thinking of you both and send our love.
ReplyDeleteBernadette I am so sorry Sweetie, but please don't give up on your dream of becoming a Mommy! You will make a great mom and will be all the more stronger because of what you have gone through.
ReplyDeleteOoo bernadette, I am speechless. I could tell you to have hope, not be sad, that it will be okay. But I won't do that. I am in tears for you and your husband. And maybe that isn't the best thing to say to you...I know there never is quite the right thing when absolute heart breaking news comes like this. Just know, I feel for you both so incredibly much. My heart aches for you. You have every damn right to want to curse and scream, be angry and cry. I wish I could give you a hug, though I know it wouldn't do a thing. You both will constantly continue to be in my prayers. So terribly sorry for all that you endured and are eduring right now. Love and many, many prayers.
ReplyDeleteI honestly do not know what to say to you except that I am thinking of you and hope you can somehow manage to get past this awful news and find the strengh to one day try again. Suzanne xxx
ReplyDeleteHI Bernadette,
ReplyDeleteI have been on a similar path of heartache and thinking I would never be a mum. We had negatives, had embryos hijacked by a rogue transporter, and then a horrible loss of twins at 22 weeks and another set at 12 weeks...but even though it sucked and was incredibly difficult emotionally and financially I was never determined to give up. I am now the mum to the most beautiful pair of 6 month old twins born with the help of SCI and all the pain and heartache dissapears when you get to hold them for the first time and when they now giggle and laugh. Be angry and take time to work it through but don't give up hope or on your dream of becoming parents. Thinking of you.
Oh I'm so sorry! There's not much I can say except that I'm thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry. Agree with the rest, thinking of you. Keep your chin up. And try again.
ReplyDeleteBernadette,
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear about your negatives. Know that I am thinking about your during this time.
Stacey
I am so sorry! I know that is such tough news to take. Don't throw in the towel like we were ready to do until you've let some of the pain subside. We'll be thinking of you guys!
ReplyDeleteOh Hun, I'm so sorry to hear this because we are in the same boat as you and I know I get very angry at the world and everyone. Its so hard to go to work and continue life. We have had 3 clinics, 4 cycles, countless trips and talk of bringing baby home but you blog is what helps us all feel normal because i thought it was only me!!! You have helped me understand i am not the only one and you are a true mother who risked everything and somewhere down the line you will again. Hang in there girl!!
ReplyDeleteLove from Jersey!!
Oh, Bernadette (and Duane)...I am more sorry than can be said. While there are no sufficient words, please know that we are thinking of you, that many of us have known this sadness & anger, and that we are all here for you. This is devastating news, but you WILL be a mommy; please don't give up! Love, prayers, and hugs to you--Jill and Alex
ReplyDeleteBernadette, We are so sorry to hear your sad news. It WILL happen...I know everyone says this and at this time it's something you don't want to hear as all you want is to hold your baby but please keep trying....We took 4 attempts, 2 miscarriages, a negative cycle and finally the positive we were waiting for. Its an expensive, stressful, horrible, tiring, painful journey but all this fades away when you hold your little one for the first time. Our thoughts and prayers are with you both. Best wishes, Adam and Michael x
ReplyDeleteYou are both in our sincerest thoughts of healing and release. You have generously shared your path on this blog. Keep writing what you can and it will help you find the way back to a place where there is light...which will illuminate your next steps.
ReplyDeleteyou have every right to think the way you do, but you are not on your own we are all here on the same journey as you!! feeling the same as you angry & sad,why me?? I dont have the answers and i am still trying to work them out for myself but dont give up hope in something you want so much!!
ReplyDeletebest wishes
lisa x
Thinking of you at this time and spreading love and light to you.
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry! I wish I knew what else to say, but I am thinking of you **hugs**
ReplyDeleteDuane and Brnadette,
ReplyDeleteI love you both, and want you to know that you have the support, love and prayer of your Sister who wants nothing more than you two to become parents. I can only imagine your pain, anger and sadness which you have every right to feel but PLEASE don't give up. Stay positive! It may not have worked THIS time, but it WILL work next time!
As for the blog, be proud of yourself, look back at what you've been through and how strong you have become. This blog allows you to express your emotions, and lets others know how you're feeling and what you're going through without having to explain it over and over. It allows others going through this process to see that they are not alone, there are other couples out there struggling to become parents. And most importantly it allows you to see SUCCESS, that there are couples out there becoming parents that never thought they would be! (You have a WORLD full of supporters cheering you on.)
I am here for you; whether you want to cry, scream or or talk, I am just a phone call away.
All my Love,
Vicki
Bernadette, last year, after the first miscarriage, I read this passage and felt like someone else had walked a path of similar sorrow and at least I wasn't alone. Maybe it will help you too. It comes from Dante's Inferno. Best wishes...
ReplyDelete"In the middle of the journey of our life
I found myself astray in a dark wood,
where the straight road had been lost.
Ah how hard to say what a harsh
thing was
that wood savage and rough and hard
that to think about it renews the fear!"
Sending hugz! There are no words.
ReplyDeleteWe are so sorry to hear your news. Having travelled a less than easy path ourselves, we understand your pain. Take the time to grieve and care for eachother, and in a while, please look towards a future where you will be wonderful parents.Dont give up, this will work. Love & hugs, SJ & B xx
ReplyDeletePS: Please keep up your blog, I know it can be difficult at times, but you are helping so many people by sharing your journey. I hope in the future our babies can read just how much and what we went through to bring them into the world. SJ & B xx
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry...words fail me right now. I can only imagine the devastation *Hugs*
ReplyDeleteWords just cannot convey my sadness and anger at the situation you both are now in. Please know that my every thought, love and strength is with you 2 at the moment. Take time to heal and care for each other in order to try again. XXX
ReplyDeleteI went back and read this post and I could have written the EXACT same thing about a year ago when it didn't work for us. We thought we had the best case scenario and yet it just wasn't our time. We were DEVASTATED and thought it was the end of the road. While our course has changed a bit we are still keeping our eyes on the prize...as Mike and Mike told us way back when. Be strong...it'll happen.
ReplyDelete