I had my first pre-bar exam panic attack this weekend. Surprisingly, not over of my complete inability to grasp the elusive Rule of Perpetuities, my lack of sleep, nor the girl sitting next to me in bar prep class with a mile high stack of flashcards on subjects that I haven't even considered studying. Rather, it was induced by the class lecturer's first tip of the day: Pray for hard questions.
Oblivious to the nonsensical nature of the advice, I was stuck on that very first word-- pray. While I knew that studying for the bar would entail a lot of hardwork, a lot of sacrifice, and a lot of the same misery that accompanied my first year of law school, I did not, under any circumstances, expect that it would require me to address my recent struggle with faith-- a task that I have increasingly avoided since being diagnosed with infertility.
When I first announced my infertility to the world, I was inundated with well-meaning comments that while at first provided comfort, over time began to haunt me. Again and again I heard: "If it's meant to happen it will happen," "I'm sure you two will be blessed with children when the time is right," "It's all in God's time," "Have faith in His plan." Eventually, after several losses and failed fertility treatments, my Catholic guilt began to set in. Had I done something to deserve this? Could it be that I wasn't really meant to be a mom? Was this REALLY His plan???
Desperate for answers, I began to do a little research. Not surprisingly, I discovered that the leaders of MY religion-- the one I had faithfully adhered to for twenty-something years, complete with church attendance not just once but twice a week (atleast when I was enrolled in Catholic school)-- had publicly denounced IVF. Well, sheesh, no wonder nobody up THERE seemed to be listening to my daily pleas of desparation. Here I was, sinning it up in the worst of ways (I mean, not only was I undergoing IVF but I was using "borrowed" genetic materials from third parties) and meanwhile, hoping that my prayers would result in the success of this condemned procedure.
Following the above revelation I was understandably angry. I wouldn't go so far as to say that me and the ole' religion went through a complete break-up. It's more like we've been on a "temporary break." But the truth is, that like it or not, both this pesky impending exam, and more importantly, Project India, are going to require a heck of a lot of faith. So I guess what better time than now to start with the fence mending?
And while I don't know that I'll be marching through the Catholic church doors any time soon-- as you know from prior posts I take it quite personally when others denounce my family building choices-- I am going to make an effort to find a church that not only embraces me, but also my future family, and its incredibly unique origins.
Oops, one more thing: Clearly the above line was meant to be the last in a slightly-longish post. However, just as I was about to publish it, I discovered Edward of Faith to Vishwas' most recent post, describing the amazing church where his girls will be baptized. In case I wasn't clear, that's exactly what I am looking for! Hmmm, I wonder if Duane would be up for a four hour one-way commute every Sunday morning? Ok, maybe not. But thanks for the confidence that these churches do exist and for giving me faith that I will find one too!
Oblivious to the nonsensical nature of the advice, I was stuck on that very first word-- pray. While I knew that studying for the bar would entail a lot of hardwork, a lot of sacrifice, and a lot of the same misery that accompanied my first year of law school, I did not, under any circumstances, expect that it would require me to address my recent struggle with faith-- a task that I have increasingly avoided since being diagnosed with infertility.
When I first announced my infertility to the world, I was inundated with well-meaning comments that while at first provided comfort, over time began to haunt me. Again and again I heard: "If it's meant to happen it will happen," "I'm sure you two will be blessed with children when the time is right," "It's all in God's time," "Have faith in His plan." Eventually, after several losses and failed fertility treatments, my Catholic guilt began to set in. Had I done something to deserve this? Could it be that I wasn't really meant to be a mom? Was this REALLY His plan???
Desperate for answers, I began to do a little research. Not surprisingly, I discovered that the leaders of MY religion-- the one I had faithfully adhered to for twenty-something years, complete with church attendance not just once but twice a week (atleast when I was enrolled in Catholic school)-- had publicly denounced IVF. Well, sheesh, no wonder nobody up THERE seemed to be listening to my daily pleas of desparation. Here I was, sinning it up in the worst of ways (I mean, not only was I undergoing IVF but I was using "borrowed" genetic materials from third parties) and meanwhile, hoping that my prayers would result in the success of this condemned procedure.
Following the above revelation I was understandably angry. I wouldn't go so far as to say that me and the ole' religion went through a complete break-up. It's more like we've been on a "temporary break." But the truth is, that like it or not, both this pesky impending exam, and more importantly, Project India, are going to require a heck of a lot of faith. So I guess what better time than now to start with the fence mending?
And while I don't know that I'll be marching through the Catholic church doors any time soon-- as you know from prior posts I take it quite personally when others denounce my family building choices-- I am going to make an effort to find a church that not only embraces me, but also my future family, and its incredibly unique origins.
Oops, one more thing: Clearly the above line was meant to be the last in a slightly-longish post. However, just as I was about to publish it, I discovered Edward of Faith to Vishwas' most recent post, describing the amazing church where his girls will be baptized. In case I wasn't clear, that's exactly what I am looking for! Hmmm, I wonder if Duane would be up for a four hour one-way commute every Sunday morning? Ok, maybe not. But thanks for the confidence that these churches do exist and for giving me faith that I will find one too!
Faith can be a powerful motivator and friend. It certainly has for us. Being former (recovering) Catholics, we know all too well about how it feels when our 'brand' of religion does not fit our life.
ReplyDeleteThe funny thing about Faith is that when you find it in a church that fits, you will realize it was there all along.
As far as ‘the church’ and its view on surrogacy in India – remember the story of a woman who comes from a foreign world, far, far away. Through an unconventional conception, she cares for her unborn child as if it were her own. After a long journey, a path illuminated by Faith brings the child to be born. The world changes with every child and it certainly did with Mary and the birth of Jesus.
thank you for your sweet and understanding words on my last post. i'm so happy i found your blog. i completely can relate to what you are feeling. where i have utmost faith in god, i am not so sure where i "fit in" as well. bc like you said, so many religions frown upon using donors or other methods of "help". since i've done so much research on the topic, over the past year, i've realized you're never going to please everyone and everyone is not walking in your shoes...sometimes less than 1% in fact, are going through such journeys. it's always easy for people to tell others what to do and i've had my fair share of "know it alls" in my life. i think that honest, deep down, intuition...that just tells your heart and soul,"this is the path for you"...is god's way of saying...you have my blessing.
ReplyDeleteand i have faith for you, me, and all the women on different paths, that we will be blessed <3
so much luck to you!
i admire your strength so very much!
maria <3
Bernadette I have so much to say about this. Jeff and I were both raised catholic. I spent many years hating myself and wanting to fit the mold, his experience was so different. I'd love to post about it if you don't mind us carrying on the conversation you started. I really like your blog. Thanks for putting it all out there - I know sometimes it is hard to do.
ReplyDeleteK
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Hi There,
ReplyDeleteHave been reading your blog for a while as I have been on a similar journey and am now the proud parents of our own genetic twins born via a gestational surrogate in India. When I struggled with my beliefs and whether or not surrogacy was the "right thing" to do, my pastor reminded me that in the bible there are many examples of other women's sisters or maids carrying a child for a woman who was infertile, or a woman using her husband's brothers genetic material....so in fact surrogacy has been happening for a very long time. Perhaps the Catholics who denounce surrogacy and IVF need to refresh their memory of the old testament and also remember that Mother Mary may also be considered a form of a surrogate as she too carried a child that was not her husbands and conceived via a miracle. I hope you find a church that is more open minded about these things. Best Wishes on your journey and may you be blessed with the love of a child or two or three.....