...the title of my future book, should I ever decide to recapture the highlights of this crappy chapter of my life.
Yesterday, as I was avoiding yet another set of practice bar exam questions, I decided to peruse Facebook. Much to my later regret, I discovered a slide show album posted by someone from my high school years. An album filled with pictures of the "IT" girl who had naturally ended up marrying the "IT" guy, surrounded by all of her former "IT" sidekicks--- who she is of course still friends with, because, hey, it's tough to find others later on life who will worship you quite like the Homecoming Queen that you used to be. (Too mean? Sorry, just having a bad week).
So I see the cover photo and in my head I'm shouting "Nooooooo, don't do it. Don't click the play button." But I can't resist. I just. can't. help. myself. And of course, as soon as I do it, I'm regretting it. It's horrible. Vomit-inducing. Worse than I could have ever imagined. But I can't stop. It's like throwing money into a slot machine. You know you're losing, and you're sick to your stomach that you keep tossing in coin after coin, but in the back of your mind you're hoping, that maybe, just maybe, this time you'll win. No such luck. Every. single. photo. IT girl after IT girl. Pregnant. One more coin. Baby on hip. Just one more coin. Gleefully chasing after a toddler. Damn it, damn it, damn it. Furiously dumping every last coin into the machine. Happy family of three--of four--of five!?!
I'm done. I lose. End of album. All 200-stinking-7 photos. Not a single IT girl sans baby. Not a SINGLE one. Sure they got "fat", but ironically, the joke is on me. Why didn't anyone ever tell me that it's COOL to get "fat" after 25?
WHY THEM AND WHY NOT ME?!?!? Why, when there was a 1 in 8 chance that I'd get stuck with this lousy, no good disease, couldn't I be a #2-7? Why, how, for what reason, did I get stuck being the stinkin' #1? And for that matter, why does it seem that ALL the other #1s I've ever met happen to be really awesomely amazing people who deserve to have children more than anyone else on this planet?
It's a question I believe everyone who suffers from infertility struggles to wrap their head around. Why not the deadbeat dad who fails to pay his child support? Why not the careless teenager who "accidentally" gets pregnant-- more than once? Why not the abusive parents? Why not the IT couples who already had their shining moments in high school? WHY ME???
And unfortunately, it's a question I can't answer. The bottom line is, it just sucks. I loathe the word "infertile." It's composed of so many disgusting emotions-- anger, jealousy, sadness, spite. And don't get me wrong, I wouldn't wish this disease on anyone-- even my worst high school nemesis. It's just that this particular week, I happen to be feeling particularly "infertile." Not sure if it was a combination of Father's Day and our anniversary being this week-- which to the average couple would be a five star week but to the couple struggling with infertility is a double whammy reminder of another year gone by with no family-- but it just seemed to suck with a capital S.
So cheers to a happy Friday, a better weekend, and a far less "infertile" week next week-- because if there is one thing us infertiles do better than anyone, it's change our moods in the blink of an eye;)
Yesterday, as I was avoiding yet another set of practice bar exam questions, I decided to peruse Facebook. Much to my later regret, I discovered a slide show album posted by someone from my high school years. An album filled with pictures of the "IT" girl who had naturally ended up marrying the "IT" guy, surrounded by all of her former "IT" sidekicks--- who she is of course still friends with, because, hey, it's tough to find others later on life who will worship you quite like the Homecoming Queen that you used to be. (Too mean? Sorry, just having a bad week).
So I see the cover photo and in my head I'm shouting "Nooooooo, don't do it. Don't click the play button." But I can't resist. I just. can't. help. myself. And of course, as soon as I do it, I'm regretting it. It's horrible. Vomit-inducing. Worse than I could have ever imagined. But I can't stop. It's like throwing money into a slot machine. You know you're losing, and you're sick to your stomach that you keep tossing in coin after coin, but in the back of your mind you're hoping, that maybe, just maybe, this time you'll win. No such luck. Every. single. photo. IT girl after IT girl. Pregnant. One more coin. Baby on hip. Just one more coin. Gleefully chasing after a toddler. Damn it, damn it, damn it. Furiously dumping every last coin into the machine. Happy family of three--of four--of five!?!
I'm done. I lose. End of album. All 200-stinking-7 photos. Not a single IT girl sans baby. Not a SINGLE one. Sure they got "fat", but ironically, the joke is on me. Why didn't anyone ever tell me that it's COOL to get "fat" after 25?
WHY THEM AND WHY NOT ME?!?!? Why, when there was a 1 in 8 chance that I'd get stuck with this lousy, no good disease, couldn't I be a #2-7? Why, how, for what reason, did I get stuck being the stinkin' #1? And for that matter, why does it seem that ALL the other #1s I've ever met happen to be really awesomely amazing people who deserve to have children more than anyone else on this planet?
It's a question I believe everyone who suffers from infertility struggles to wrap their head around. Why not the deadbeat dad who fails to pay his child support? Why not the careless teenager who "accidentally" gets pregnant-- more than once? Why not the abusive parents? Why not the IT couples who already had their shining moments in high school? WHY ME???
And unfortunately, it's a question I can't answer. The bottom line is, it just sucks. I loathe the word "infertile." It's composed of so many disgusting emotions-- anger, jealousy, sadness, spite. And don't get me wrong, I wouldn't wish this disease on anyone-- even my worst high school nemesis. It's just that this particular week, I happen to be feeling particularly "infertile." Not sure if it was a combination of Father's Day and our anniversary being this week-- which to the average couple would be a five star week but to the couple struggling with infertility is a double whammy reminder of another year gone by with no family-- but it just seemed to suck with a capital S.
So cheers to a happy Friday, a better weekend, and a far less "infertile" week next week-- because if there is one thing us infertiles do better than anyone, it's change our moods in the blink of an eye;)
Ok, this is coming from the gay man's perspective... but with a litte faith in Dr. Shivani, you will soon be able to tell the "it" girls that...
ReplyDeletea) I also have a baby
b) I have a law degree
and most importantly...
C) I DID IT ALL WITHOUT GETTING FAT.
ok, all kidding aside, isn't it amazing how much power we let people we knew for 4 years have over our lives?
Best of luck!!!
George
So sorry to hear you're feeling the way you're feeling at the moment, but glad that you have such a positive mindset ultimately to overcome this bad feeling. Here from my second ICLW.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes,
Casey
I love the title of this post and your future book! :)
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling all too well! Facebook is so evily addicting. I just made a comment to my friend the other day that going on fb is like a baby parade. Don't get me wrong, whenever I get my own, I will proudly be one of those women. But, on crappy days or weeks, it can make u go crazy.
I will cheers ya on that!
Have a great one! :)
George said it perfectly!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're having a crappy day, feel free to vent away, that's what we're here for. :-)
Here from ICLW - it always amazes me how much it matters to us what these people are doing, when we haven't seen them for years and never liked them to begin with.
ReplyDeleteGeorge has it spot on! I have had many of those days like you are having. It just sucks! I often would dream that the IT girls look to have it all but are really miserable in real life, having a loveless marriage and have not laughed in years. I digress...
ReplyDeleteCheer up, one day you will be posting your baby pics and have a WAY better birth story than them.
Hi from ICLW! I could not have said it better myself. I can not even count how many times I have thought these very same things. I mean, it even got so bad that when I found out my 17 year old sister was pregnant, I actually hated her, like, wanted to yell and scream, and cry(which I did...often). I hate getting that way when someone I know gets pregnant, but each time it is like a kick to the gut. I hope your weekend is a good one!!
ReplyDeleteThe girl who used to bully me all through primary school is now fat and ugly which should be some compensation but, guess what! She's got a baby! No sign of a baby Daddy (surprise, surprise - she was a little slut by the age of 11), but even that doesn't stop me being jealous... it isn't fair, is it? But we will get there in the end xx
ReplyDeleteThe problem with FB is that it only LOOKS perfect. I have a friend that spends all of her time creating her life on FB. . .IRL, it's nowhere near as glamorous as you'd believe if you just saw her on FB. You'd be jealous if you only saw her life through FB, though. Which is a long way of saying. . .look how much you have and how good your life is. You just graduated from law school, you have a great husband, and you're starting this adventure in Indian surrogacy. I hope this works out for you. I've always wondered what that process was like, so I'll be reading along wishing you on!
ReplyDeleteI agree with what George said! while its frustrating now, when you are skinny, successful and holding your baby all your fat old h.s. friends will be jealous! Definitely post the amazing pics you will soon have from India - a place they are likely never to go (if they are anything like the girls in my h.s.).
ReplyDeleteOne of those classic "it isn't fair" moments. I'm sorry you had to see that, and it's probably little consolation that facebook pictures are pretty much always posed, and every single person there may well have some horrible secret or demon of their own that they're dealing with. In my high school, the "it girls" are mostly childless - but they're successful, happy, living it up in places like Chicago and New York (my high school was full of money, which is why I wasn't one of the "it girls") and I'm still insanely jealous of them because not only do they have the pre-pregnancy life that I never got to have (being low-income and degree-less), but I just know that when they do decide to have a family, it'll take 1 month off birth control for them.
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing the feelings that infertility can bring up. I wish you the best of luck. Happy ICLW!
Visiting from ICLW! I have had the same feelings...its sucks feeling jealous but I suppose it's only natural.
ReplyDeleteI stopped letting all the 'it-girls' friend me on facebook about 5 months ago and it feels great. High school was so dumb to me. I hated it then, I hate it now.
ReplyDeletehappy ICLW. I hope your surrogacy journey brings you your little one!
I wish I had the answer to those questions myself. I still see the "it" girls around town (we live in our hometown) and they all have a bunch of dirty brats in tow, why they drag on their cigarettes. Drives me BONKERS!
ReplyDeleteICLW
Life in the White House
http://nothingshallbeimpossible2005.blogspot.com
Bernadette, I'm not a regular reader, but my mom is, and told me to take a look at your post.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your crappy week. Infertility is the biggest black hole of depression imaginable, and seeing those IT girls with babies makes it worse. I know. I've been there.
Speaking from the other side, when you hold your baby in your arms, you'll start to pity those IT girls. They don't appreciate what they have, because it came to them so easily. (Their biggest problem is that they're fat, after all--and yay for you, you're not! At least we get that as a fun perk of the surrogacy route). It blows now, and I don't want minimize that. I cringe remembering my pre-successful-surrogacy days. Just know that they other side is brings you the blessings of being a more appreciative mother...and finally feeling like you wouldn't trade anything about your own life for someone else's.
This couldn't have been said any better. I can't tell you how many countless times I have done the same thing to myself. Why is the big ??? But there will never be an answer. FB is so bad at sucking you in and making you feel even more worse and depressed than before. You totally should write a book. Reading all of your stories just interests me more and more. You do have a lot to be thankful for. Your amazing, loving, supportive husband. You accomplishing law school and getting your degree. Many people that have children wish they have that career and the husband you have. Instead they are miserable and have a child and may possibly be even more depressed because they are FAT. WE are never satisfied with the hand that is given to us. We just have to figure out what our purpose is in life. It is almost like a maze and trying to find your way to the end. You have just gotten stuck a few times and you will find your way. So far you are doing an amazing job!!!
ReplyDelete